Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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