I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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