He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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