dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
