it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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