I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
