I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
