toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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