No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
the liver wants what the liver wants
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
