I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
