so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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