I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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