Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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