Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
