I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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