He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
