A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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