I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
