Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize