I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
