Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
