My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
