I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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