He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
