i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize