The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize