His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
