I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I have fence marks all over my body
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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