my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
