he looks like a really good dad on facebook
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
