I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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