the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
