like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
