I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
