So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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