oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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