Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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