Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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