I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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