He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
only you would photoshop your dick
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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