I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
