Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
