Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
