david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
