just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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