If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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