Got a toothbrush?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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