You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
