Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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