omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
