you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
