Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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