thus making me awesome and them whores
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
