Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize