i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
