its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
