it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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