I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
