Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
