I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
