I puked a lego.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
