I cannot find my penis.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
