Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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