Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
