he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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