im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the room spins SO much faster in panama
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
