i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
