Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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